I'm in trouble!
How many of you could have written this
letter?
Dear Mom and Dad,
I’m in trouble. You know I’m in trouble
and so do I. I can’t talk to you about my eating disorder, even though you think I should and I wish I could. I know I need to be in therapy right now. I know that I need some help. I’m trying to get myself ready to get some help.
I call you sometimes, and I start out to tell you and then I get scared, angry and stubborn. I don’t mean to lash out but I do. I feel like I should be able to do this on my own. I don’t really think anyone can help me. Everything I read says I’m wrong on those two ideas, but I still think, at times, I could and I should.
Please don’t give up on me. I need to know that you are going to hang in there with me. I get so caught in the crazy thinking about food and eating, or not eating. I watch all of you and you just sit there and eat and know when to stop and when you’re full. I don’t know that.
I get worried that you are disappointed in me. You haven’t said this but I know you are. I’m so frustrated right now that I can’t change my sick behavior. No matter what I do or say or have said in the past, I don’t want to be like this. This is not me, I want to be well.
I am very sick right now and can feel myself getting sucked deeper and deeper into my eating disorder.
I’m sorry I’ve been such a bad daughter, but I don’t want you to give up on me. I feel very hopeless and can’t seem to get it together. I can’t seem to get out of it myself like I think I should. I keep punishing myself for my behavior, but that doesn’t seem to help either.
I want to reach out to you but I don’t know how. I want you to reach out to me, but I don’t know what I’ll do when you do. Please help me.
Could you just tell me everything is going to be okay, like you did when I was a little girl. I don’t know if I can believe it, but I want to. Maybe everything isn’t going to be okay, but I want to believe it could be.
Please help, but don’t come on too strong, just give me a hug.
Love,
Your messed up daughter!
Have you ever been at this place? Have you ever been stuck in a rut with yourself,
your parents and your work, such that it feels like you just keep “blowing” it? This is
actually a very common place for many clients who have just begun to acknowledge
that they have an eating disorder. There is a lot of conflict, ambivalence,
misconceptions and distortions.
You’re caught in this vicious cycle of intending to do something about it, but
something keeps blocking you. There is a lot of shame, embarrassment, and guilt.
These first few steps are always very difficult. It does get easier.
You need to know, that people are recovering all the time now. You can do it. You
need to get yourself into therapy with someone you connect with and feel like you can
talk to. There are good people out there. If the first one doesn’t feel like a good fit,
try again. You need to feel you connect with this person, you can talk to and with this
person and that this person is listening to you.
is
NOT
the smooth progression
many people assume . . .
It’s more like a lightning bolt,
full of ups and downs,
progressions and regressions,
dramatic leaps
and
depressing backslides.
THE HEALING PROCESS IS UNDER WAY!
So, knowing this, now what?
Your eating disorder is made up of many issues and layers of pain. Much of your
suffering has been done alone, in isolation and without anyone knowing what you’re
going through. Learning to connect, to reach out and let others know where you’re at,
is a first very big step. Tell someone, someone who is, can be, will be nurturing and
supportive.
Caught up in this, is your feeling of having screwed up because you’ve pulled away,
missed appointments, or didn’t call. Don’t sit with it, reach out. And reach out to
your therapist.
At this point, a lot of people want to start over, start fresh and not go back and clean
up the old mess. You then feel bad about all the series of stops and starts and feeling
like you’ve never gotten anywhere.
You think your parents, partner, friends, and family are fed up with you. Perhaps they
are. It’s not about them. It’s about you and your struggle. You’re not doing it to
them, you’re not doing it to you, it’s happening to you. And yes, you have to take
some responsibility for it. But in my experience, it’s rarely that the individual is a
mean, lying, distrustful, spiteful person. (Do I have all those words - right that you
say to yourself?) Or is it that you’re lazy, slovenly, slothful or any of the other things
you call yourself. You’re in trouble. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be here or there or
seeing that therapist.
You don’t have to beg for forgiveness. You need to reach out and ask for help. You
can say, “ I’m in a mess and have made a mess, but I need and want some help!”
That’s really all it takes. Being motivated and wanting to continue working is the key.
And built into this aspect is believing that you can and will heal and recover. I often
tell clients, “ I know you can be better and if you don’t have the faith now, lean on
mine. I can carry you for a while, I’ll lead you for a while, then I’ll walk beside you
and I’ll walk behind you. If you need me to move closer or to change my positional
strategy, tell me, I’m open to hearing from you.”
I suspect that most therapists would be open to hearing, doing and working with
this. If you find yourself in this mess, copy this and take it or send it to them. Write
on top of it in red ink. “This is me, help me!” It will open the communication
between you. You don’t have to do this healing thing perfectly, (there is not a perfect
way). YOU JUST HAVE TO DO IT!
By Portia Nelson
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … and I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in …
it’s a habit …
but my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
